Category: News

Fathers First Mentoring

Posted on May 29, 2020

Editor’s note: the subject’s name has been changed at his request to protect his privacy.

Mark’s journey to becoming a role model and mentor to other fathers was unconventional. In fact, he only learned of his young daughter after she’d already been placed in foster care.  Upon his discovery, Mark immediately began the uphill battle to gain custody of her. Our Fathers First program was there to help him navigate his newfound parenthood.

“I felt like I was wrestling an octopus because I had all kinds of new constraints on my time and new things to do and I wasn’t getting any guidance from anybody,” Mark recalls. “[Fathers First] gave me some hope and insight and some macro knowledge of what I would be looking at.”

Fathers First Classes

Mark liked that Fathers First parenting classes included people from all walks of life, and that there was a sense of camaraderie in the class. In addition, it helped him that Fathers First didn’t just talk about one age group of children, but covered every aspect and every area of parenting. “The nuts and bolts [about parenting] I’ve been able to cobble together but early on [Fathers First] was really huge for me,” he says.

Mark recalls having a Department of Social Services home inspection during the time he was taking the Fathers First class. “Up to a few hours before they were coming out I was still putting finishing touches on the house. I was going from being a bachelor to a single father and I had never given much thought to decoration. That was really hard to pull that together on top of everything else. [Fathers First] was really good about working with me and understanding that I had a lot of challenges.”

Giving Back

These days, Mark has full custody of his daughter and is busy taking care of her and also giving back by mentoring other fathers. While Fathers First runs classes for the general public, we also run similar classes inside local jails. Mark has volunteered as a pen pal to incarcerated fathers who are enrolled in our jail-based classes and who are eager to become positive influences in their children’s lives. With a master’s degree in creative writing, Mark has always worked on his communication skills and was happy to find a volunteer niche where he could put them to use. Right now he is exchanging letters with three incarcerated fathers.

Mark has found the key to mentoring incarcerated fathers is to be open-minded and non-judgmental. He credits his own broad life experience with helping him to accept incarcerated fathers where they are. Mostly, he finds they feel guilty about missing time from their children’s lives. “I try to encourage them not to focus on that but to focus on what they can do going forward,” he says. “Their children need them and need their input.”

To support Fathers First and the work that we’re doing in the lives of fathers like Mark, please visit https://tapintohope.org/support-us/ and learn about making a financial contribution to TAP or becoming a volunteer.

5 Tips for Parenting In Quarantine

Posted on May 27, 2020

Postive Parenting in Quarantine

Parenting is hard. Period.

It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and each step takes guts and determination—and a good plan. To be a positive role-model for your family means being your best self consistently, supporting others, and being patient, loving, and encouraging. We all need a little help so we’ve gathered five tips for parenting in quarantine.

Doing it all gracefully in the middle of the shelter-in-place orders issued in response to the spread of COVID-19 has highlighted how the task can sometimes seem impossible.

Indeed, when you’re stressed out, tired, and facing uncertainty in what seems like every direction, being that calm, patient, centering force for your growing kids isn’t just tough—it can be downright daunting.

5 Tips for Parenting In Quarantine

TAP’s Fathers First program staff members Lateefah Trent and Ed Hrinya shared their tips for how to make the best of parenting in quarantine and what things to focus on when you feel overwhelmed. Here’s their advice based on parenting lessons they’ve learned in helping hundreds of fathers over the years.

1. No Parent is Perfect

Start by reminding yourself that this is hard! A big lesson Lateefah and Ed’s work has taught them is to start where you are.

“No emotion is good or bad, positive or negative. It’s normal to feel angry, jealous, sad, frustrated, etc.” they say. “But emotions are energy. And how you express that energy can be good or bad, positive or negative.”

“When you recognize that these things are just part of being human,” Lateefah and Ed explain, “it is easier to deal with them in healthier ways.”

2. Building Good Momentum

While a global pandemic isn’t something individual parents can do much to change, they can help set the tone for the whole household by modeling behaviors that show kids how to deal with stress in an appropriate way.

Firstly, it starts with asking for help when you need it. “It’s okay to not be okay,” Lateefah and Ed urge parents to remember. “This is a stressful time for all of us. Don’t feel like you have to be Superdad or Supermom—just focus on taking care of yourself and your children, and trust that the crisis, like all storms, will blow over eventually.”

3. Looking for Little Things

However, sometimes little things have a big impact on your state of mind. For example, setting a routine helps make sure the big things get done at work or at home and makes life feels more normal. Sometimes this means showering and putting on real clothes. Sometimes it means making sure to sleep enough. Remembering to make healthy choices can also have a huge impact on your mental and physical health—and your energy to deal with chaos and crisis.

Reading, writing, or even watching a movie can help your brain rest and reset. Taking breaks where you can is part of being rested enough to be a great parent. Remembering to reward and praise your children when they do something well can also be a great reminder to reward and praise yourself.

4. What if We’re Stuck at Home?

No two ways about it, feeling stuck might come from staying inside too long—but it becomes a state of mind as much as it does a physical limitation. To change up the way things feel, even a small twist on a normal activity can make a big difference.

Movie nights feel a little more like the theater if you make a special snack. Making dinner can be a cooking contest. Books can be family activities if you read out loud together. It’s also a great time of year for gardening, tea time picnics, or just for being outside together.

5. Remembering What It’s All About

The staff at Fathers First mostly focus their work on helping fathers. However, the approach they take is based on the fundamental dynamics that all families need to thrive. It’s important we stay in touch with those fundamentals because of what’s at stake.

Above all, the important thing that parents can do is set the right example—especially when it comes to showing children we can deal effectively with stress and be resilient in the face of traumatic events. As Lateefah and Ed point out, “Children often do not have the experience or coping skills to do so. We as parents must model resilience in our lives so that our children can learn to do the same.”

You can make a huge difference too.

Fathers First creates a comfortable environment for men and women to learn communication and parenting skills while working on improving their overall self-worth and relationships. If you think you could help fathers or father-figures, or just want to be part of supporting parents, get involved—call (540) 777-4673.