Honoring Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Posted on October 21, 2024

Audre Lorde once called us to “consciously study how to be tender with each other until it becomes a habit.” There is, on this front, still much work to do.

Modern life has granted us an astoundingly high standard of living, from smart washing machines to virtual teleconferencing in real time with people halfway across the globe using a computer small enough to fit in our pockets. However, we clearly haven’t figured out how to end domestic violence, which continues to terrorize individuals and families in the privacy of homes all across the nation.

Almost one half of all women and 2 of every 5 men have experienced intimate partner violence in their lifetime.¹
An average of 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States — more than 16 million women and men annually.²

Every minute there is an individual living through a moment of fear, possibly terror, pain, and trauma, with the person they once and perhaps still love. It feels invisible, but there are always signs.

We know those moments are often preceded by patterns of controlling behavior and psychological abuse. Abusers will do anything, like isolate their partners, shift blame onto economic circumstances, or claim it was only alcohol or drugs that made them violent. They will control bank accounts, forbid their partners from working, gaslight, and even claim to have acted in self-defense to avoid accountability. However, the pattern is almost always there—whether we are looking for it or not.

This is not a love song

As Patty Griffin sang, in her song, Truth Number 2:

“last time he swung the bat, laying flat I wondered, what a way to spend a dime, what a way to spend the time… scared all the time, one more reason why the world is dangerous.”

It may not be love—but even in today’s society, this level of violence is alarmingly common.

1 in 4 women, and 1 in 7 men (over 18) in the US have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime³
Each year, about 2.3 million people are raped or physically assaulted by a current or former partner.⁴

Flannery O’Connor wrote, “The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.” It feels almost impossible to see the numbers as anything close to normal. But despite the clear prevalence of domestic and intimate partner violence, we do not, in fact, have to accept that violence as inevitable. We can—and must—decide what environments we allow our children to be raised within. It matters because the scars of those moments impact a person for an entire lifetime if left untreated.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Among the smells of pumpkins and familiar spice blends, fresh hay bales, and the autumnal arboreal fireworks, we know the splendor of the season can mask untold horrors all around us. It’s a bittersweet time of year.

While, teenagers and children around us are suffering from and witnessing the violence of abusers.

Annually an estimated 3.3 million and 10 million children are exposed to adult domestic violence.⁵ 1 in 4 female and 1 in 5 male survivors first experienced DV as a child.

As we celebrate survivors, we mourn as well.

Domestic violence may be the leading cause of Child abuse fatalities in the US.⁷
1/3 of female murders are perpetrated by intimate partners. A gun increases the risk by 500%.⁸
85% of children’s (under 13) gun deaths occur in the home, 1/3 of those deaths are connected to Domestic Violence.⁹
Between 2015 and 2022, nearly 2 in 3 child and teen victims of mass shootings died in domestic violence incidents.¹⁰

The Impact of Violence

Locally in Virginia¹¹, and Roanoke¹², aggravated assaults due to domestic violence are rising. TAP-DVS continues to see record numbers of requests for service year after year since 2020. As the violence, rises, however, so does our commitment to act. We remember, again, the words of Audre Lorde:

“I write for those (women) who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We’ve been taught that silence would save us, but it won’t.”

Domestic violence is famously able to leverage other forms of discrimination to hide—with terrible consequences. Women of color and primarily African American women experience Domestic Violence in the greatest numbers a cross the races.

4 out of 10 non-Hispanic Black women, American Indian, or Alaskan Native women, and ½ of multi-racial non-Hispanic women experienced DV in their lifetimes. This rate is 30 to 50% higher than White non-Hispanic, Hispanic, and Asian women.¹³

In a recent paper published in the Lancet compiling CDC data from 1999-2020, African American women were six times more likely to be murdered than White women, and 51% of those homicides were DV related.¹⁴

Of further concern is the vulnerability of our LGBTQ community. Research shows LGBTQ, adults and youth experience DV assaults, and sexual abuse at higher rates than their CIS gendered peers.Specifically, 44% of lesbian women and 61% of bisexual women experience DV at higher rates.¹⁵ *

How This Ends

We continue to strive to be informed and vigilant for ourselves, for our own loved ones, and our neighbors, our coworkers, the people we see each and every day as we go about our lives.

The numbers show us the violence is all around us. Someone you wave hello to today will have been directly affected by domestic violence in the course of their lives. Let’s make sure they know we do not accept that level of violence as normal. Let’s make sure they feel safe asking for our help. Let’s let them know we are working to make a world in which domestic and intimate partner violence don’t have a place—where instead, we find healing and tenderness thriving everywhere we look. It starts today.

This month we acknowledge the courage, and fortitude of Domestic Violence survivors everywhere: those who made it to the phone, walked through TAP’s door, called a friend, or found help any other way. We honor all of you, and we remember our silent survivors, as well. Let us gently remind you we are here. You are not alone.

TAP’s Domestic Violence Services Hotline: 540.580.0775.

WHERE TO START:

If you want to get involved in ending domestic violence, your voice and your courage are urgently needed—and can start making a difference today. If you don’t know where to start, please consider learning about how we: END DV victim blaming, and educate yourself on ways to help as a bystander, witness, or confidant. Volunteering, donating to your local advocacy agencies, collecting household goods for families who are fleeing domestic violence and starting over are also ways to help. There is so much we can do, and it starts with being informed.